he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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