let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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