im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
