I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
