just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your penis caused this!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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