I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
