she looked like the before picture.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
