Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
