before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
