Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
