um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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