How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
