You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
