Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
