tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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