I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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