Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
