and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
