Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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