Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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