I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
