she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
