My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
