grandma shit on top of the toilet
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
