Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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