Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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