Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
