Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
