I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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