They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
