This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
