actually, I'm a sock model
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
