Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
