I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
