so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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