he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
