4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
