Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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