god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
