The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
