Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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