Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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