I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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