I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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