Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
