I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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