I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
