Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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