Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
