His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
