she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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