he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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