Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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