The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
