I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
be right there i have to get my cape
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
