my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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