Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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