My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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