fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
