So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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