omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
