My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
